Saturday 7 December 2013

The joys of Christmas shopping ...

There's a sense of Christmas in the air,
Ignore it only if you dare.
You could try really hard not to see,
But it's everywhere … on radio and TV.

And every day when the mail drops in,
There's a thousand more brochures to line the bin.
We're constantly reminded to gets our bums into gear,
Take out a new mortgage and face off our fear.

For although we'd like to call a stop,
It's time to go and Christmas shop.
So in our thousands we all drive in,
I grip the wheel with a manic grin.

With beady eyes … sweat on my brow,
I yell out the window … "Oi … piss off you cow"
Cause we all knew when we embarked
That there'd be just one spot left in the whole car park.

Then I finally park … and out I stagger,
The others still searching all stare with daggers.
And they can't give up … and go have a beer,
Cause it's time to shop for their Christmas cheer.

Then once inside … amidst the hordes,
I scan my list of things I can't afford.
Head down, elbows out … classic Christmas position,
I'm off at a run to achieve my mission.

And I dart in here and I grab things there,
As the listed items I try to snare.
I swerve here and there with madness in eye,
And a child seeing Santa starts to cry.

As those carols play on … in an endless loop,
I'm surrounded by shoppers starting to droop.
But there's one last thing that I need to find,
And I know there's not many left of it's kind.

So I dive over a woman and hurdle an elf,
And grab the very last one from off the shelf.
I ignore the crestfallen granny who had tried to get there,
And I brandish my prize … and I fist pump the air.

I cackle insanely … "I'm out of this joint"
But it does cross my mind … that we've all lost the point.

Happy Christmas shopping … one and all!

By Me


  1. a truly accurate and brilliant festive poem! I'm out next week to sort it out, of course I will be expecting utter insanity, i'm thinking excessive skirt and petticoat to create the illusion of hugeness for extra space, you never know! x x x have a lovely weekend! and I hope you are having a restorative drink and a rest! x x x

    1. Excessive skirt and petticoat may prove to be handy place for storing extra shopping bags … you may be on to something ;0)

  2. Hee, hee - your poem made me chortle! you are too right about missing the point - consumerism and Christmas - bah, humbug!

  3. Dear Jo. You really are a woman of many talents. I love this poem. And I love that you've given me another lovely phrase to use this time of year. Piss off you old cow! Perfect.

    1. I added the "old". See? I'm a poet, too!

    2. LOL … consider that phrase a christmas gift especially for you Connie :0)

  4. You are AWESOME!!! The best ever bit of truthful Christmas Poetry I have ever read. Bravo!! You talented woman you. Meanwhile, I have done NO shopping and not put up my tree. If I ignore it all it may just go away (thinking like a man)!!

    1. It may … but then again it may not … I have been contemplating the head in the sand approach personally ;0)

  5. That's it!! I'm giving you my list . . . go terrorise the shopping centre on my behalf!

    1. I'll come and get your list as soon as I finish mine … how does the 3rd of January sound?? ;0)